The Ultimatest Ultimate Bachelor Party

The topic of my bachelor party just came up in a conversation with my sister, which got me thinking about how awesome mine was, and how it could have been yet better.

My bachelor party consisted in sitting in an unfinished basement with a couple of hand-picked wingmen, drinking beer and playing boardgames until a ridiculous hour of the morning. Boardgames, mind you, such as Twilight Imperium, The Game That Has Only Ever Ended With Someone Pitching the Table Over in a Rage. Which is exactly what happened on the night in question. Which is part of what made it so awesome.

Much discussion was had, however, of how the evening fell short, of what certain frisson of sensual excess was missing. Which led me to volunteer, after some prodding, what I wished my bachelor party had really been like. Which is as follows:

Step 1

Hire hot hookers and/or strippers. Stupid hot. We're talking jaw-on-the-floor, such-creatures-cannot-possibly-exist-in-realspace-yet-there-they-are hot. Which would require them to be smart, too, of course.

Step 2

Dress them up in nothing but comfortable jeans and t-shirts. And possibly sweaters, depending on the time of year.

Step 3

Bring them into your house, and down into the basement, where your friends sit eagerly waiting on the edges of cheap folding chairs.

Step 4

Force them to play D&D with you. All. Night. Long.

"I don't know what your limits are, but I'm about to ask you to do something that may disgust you. I ask that you not judge; you'll be well-compensated. I'd like you to run us through Keep on the Shadowfell. Top to bottom."

"Straight up 4th Edition. Even I'm not that freaky."

There are going to be three kinds of people reading this. Those that say: "What the hell is Keep On the Shadowfell?" Those that laugh. And those that nod, and think: At last, I am understood.

My wife, predictably, thought it was funny, and that I was kidding. Much like the Leia Metal Bikini or the Darth Vader Corset, it is one of those things that geeks will nervously joke about with the women that love them, and the women will forever think their geeks aren't serious about.

Let me tell you this, ladies: we want the strippers playing D&D. We really do want you to dress up like Leia/Darth Vader/a Night Elf Paladin/Ivy from Soul Calibur/Pikachu. We wouldn't joke about it if we didn't.

Guys, you're welcome.

Oh, and ladies? Even if your man isn't a hardcore geek, if he was born any time in the 70s or 80s, the Leia Metal Bikini thing is deeply imprinted on his soul. When Rachel did that for Ross on Friends, women the world over laughed and laughed at how funny it was. And the men sitting next to them died a little inside.

This is Serious Fucking Business

Ladies, if you love your man -- I mean, if you really, truly love your man -- slip on the Metal Bikini every now and again. You will own his soul forever.

-- The Prolix Wag
Because rolling 20s is catnip to the ladies.