10 Boardgames You Need to Play Right Now, You Stupid Monopoly Monkey, Part 3

Part 1 is here.

Part 2 is here.

Hidden the bodies? Found new friends to play with? Good, let's get back to it:

6) Agricola


Welcome to Puerto Rico on steroids.

Thought it couldn't get any better, didn't you? So did I, once upon a time. Ah, yes, I was young and foolish once, too. But like you, I had a hunger for something more than Sorry, more than Mousetrap, more than Trivial Pursuit. I had the Eye of the Tiger (Boardgame Edition). I can see that you do, too.

This time around, instead of trying to become governor of Puerto Rico, you're trying to feed your family as a subsistence-level medieval farmer. Which, as you know by now, doesn't matter a lick, right? Fluff is for sissies. What matters is that you're playing Puerto Rico, only there are about seven times as many jobs to pick from, and they include things like having babies so you can have more workers in your family so you can have more chances to pick more jobs. If your head didn't just explode from the awesomeness of that thought, I have failed completely as a teacher.

Buy it here.

That's right, a $70 boardgame (well, $47 on Amazon, which is awesome, but let's not quibble). And you're no longer looking at it thinking, "How could people spend $70 on a boardgame?"... you're thinking "Where do I get my hands on $70, and how much are the custom-made extra deluxe wooden sheep and cows?" You've come a long way. I'm so proud. *sniff*

7) Race for the Galaxy

Welcome to Puerto Rico as a card game, with a twist.

The twist being that you reveal your job picks simultaneously, and that you're taking over PLANETS, and going PEWPEWPEW! a lot.

Even the cat wants to take over PLANETS, man.

Wait, didn't I said that fluff doesn't matter?

Ah, Grasshopper, like all great teachers, I have lied to you, so that you might see deeper truths. Fluff matters a great deal as long as it's got some great gameplay underneath. Especially if that gameplay reinforces the fluff.

Buy it here. The expansions are also worth picking up.

But wait: did somebody say "gameplay reinforcing fluff?"

I believe they did. Which makes it time to taste the flavor of:

8) Arkham Horror

You may not know who H. P. Lovecraft is. That's okay; we'll take care of that part of your education at a later date. For the moment, suffice to say that he's the Father of Modern Horror Fiction. Thought that was Poe, didn't you? Nope. Poe is more like the Great Uncle of Modern Horror Fiction, Who Was Rich and Left It a Lot of Money. But that's neither here nor there. Prepare yourself for two to three hours of getting your face chewed off by mind-bending Horrors From Beyond Space and Time.

Along with your family and friends.

That's right, this is a co-op game. You and your friends are investigators from various walks of life in 1920s New England, in a race against time, trying to close and seal enough Gates to Beyond before the Great Old One shows up and... well, eats everything. The game absolutely drips with flavor, from the spooky board to the terrifying Events written down on the Way Too Many Cards, to the way someone winds up going insane every five minutes. There are very few games out there where you can have this much fun losing.

Also, it's about as close to a Role-Playing Game as you can get without actually playing one, and will tenderize you nicely should you decide to make the leap to the even deeper waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

What's that? Ah, yes, you noticed. You have dice now. It's as I told you: once you needed them, you would no longer want them. You have been liberated from the Chains of Randomization, so you may use the dice, instead of the other way around. Also, there is no spoon.

Buy it here. Be forewarned, though: you will need a large table to play on, especially if you buy one of the innumerable (yet still awesome) expansions. Also, buying a small fishing tackle box at Target or someplace similar is a really good idea; god bless Fantasy Flight, but they cannot resist making a little cardboard piece for every conceivable purpose, and then making twelve dozen more. You won't be able to fit it all back into the box without bending time and space, and we've seen from playing the game itself what the consequences of that are.

9) War of the Ring
Now we're getting into perfect-marriage-of-form-and function territory.

You'd think it would be impossible to make one game that simulates both the War of the Ring (with the huge armies of Orcs and Elves and whatnot crashing against each other) and the Other War of the Ring (with the scruffy band of Hobbits sneaking around and crying every time Gandalf gets killed). But no, they did it, and they did it brilliantly. As the Good Guys, you cannot hope to win a military victory; you have to keep the Armies of Darkness at bay just long enough for the Hobbits to do their job. As the All-Seeing Eye, you have to keep the Hobbits delayed long enough to crush all military resistance and render their mission moot. And it comes down to the wire pretty much every time. Taut, razorwire pacing and all kinds of cool plastic bits round out the package. I don't get to play this one nearly enough.

Buy it here. Bit of advice: the Nazgul on Flappy Things pieces are incredibly annoying, as not only do they keep falling over, but they knock all your Haradrim and Warg Riders nine ways to Sunday when they do it. Superglue a nickel to the bottom of each one. Works like a charm.

10) Battlestar Galactica


Welcome to Nirvana, Grasshopper. Well-designed, well-balanced mechanics. A co-op game where a third of the players are actually killer robots trying to blow everyone else up. Where half of them are sleeper agent robots that don't actually know they're on the other side until halfway through the game.

And it's FRAKKIN' BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.

Some of the best storytelling moments I've ever had have come from playing this game. Where else can you be President Roslin, beg an extra action off of Apollo to take care of the three Cylon Boarding Parties on board, use it to throw him in the brig instead, blow up the Armory with three people in it, then escape to the Cylon fleet, laughing maniacally all the way?

With this game, I have given you the power to blow mens' minds. Use it wisely, use it often, use it well.

Buy it here.

-- The Prolix Wag
What do you mean "Because you're ALWAYS a Cylon"?

10 Boardgames You Need to Play Right Now, You Stupid Monopoly Monkey, Part 1

Most Americans think of boardgames as kid stuff, or at best, teenage-geek-boy-stuff (re: RISK). One could blame them, but, philistines that they are, they are not really at fault. They have been raised to think that Monopoly is a good game. When, in fact, Monopoly is not a game at all. It is a dice-rolling exercise created by Satan to spread human misery and strife.

I thrive on the taste of human souls. Tee hee!

First created in 1904 (under the name "The Landlord Game"), sales of Monopoly really took off during the Depression, probably because people needed imaginary soul-crushing despair and boredom to distract them from the real soul-crushing despair and boredom all around them.

Every game of Monopoly ever played has gone like this:

1) Yay! We're going to play Monopoly. I hope I get to be the racecar!

2) People are buying stuff. How exciting!

3) I just passed go and collected $200. How gratifying!

4) Most of the stuff has been bought. Things are really heating up!

5) Someone landed on someone else's stuff. The owner of said stuff has now started winning.

6) They're winning more.

7) Huh. They're still winning.

8) Yep. Still winning.

9) I'm going to go get a snack. Let me know if they stop winning while I'm gone.

10) Yeah, sorry. Mom called while I was in the kitchen. I kinda got into the conversation. Did you know my little cousin Kevin is going to college this Fall? Isn't that crazy? What? Two hours? Really? Well, thanks for playing my piece for me. Are they still winn--? Wow. They still are. I guess I'll... sit down and... play, then.

11) Dear Diary: Just passed Go again. My fingers are numb. Tell Laura I love her.

12) JESUS CHRIST WILL THE MADNESS NEVER END? WILL WE NEVER SEE THE DAWN!?!

13) Oh, look at that. They won.

14) Honey, I want a divorce.

Feverish delusions of apophenia aside, there is no goddamn strategy to Monopoly. There is no actual decision-making on the part of the players. There is the illusion of such ("Railroads are a good deal! Utilities are a bad deal! I feel just like Sun Tzu!"), but let's face it, it all comes down to the dice. Monopoly is essentially Craps, except without the glamor, and you can't buy a hooker with the proceeds if you win. The only important decision you ever make is which piece to play. As we all know, you should always go with race car or terrier, and never shoe, thimble, or hat.

The retarded monopoly pieces.

Compounding this is the gameplay dynamic outlined above, where you can predict the winner of a given Monopoly game approximately thirteen hours before the end. If someday you try to design a game to produce the opposite of fun, good luck doing better. The thought that such an inelegant, un-fun artistic abortion even exists gives game designers the shivers. The fact that most Americans consider it a game at all drives most of them to deep despair. The thought that it has sold bazillions of copies, and that many people actually play it on a regular basis, drives many of them to suicide.

Oh, quick side note for those semi-geeks out there who are feeling all superior about playing RISK instead: RISK is the same thing, only you can see who's going to win as soon as they pick Australia.

"Hm. Can I win by attacking Kamchatka, or Yakutsk? Oh, that's right: I've already lost. I'm playing RISK!"

Other countries, especially Germany for some reason, are under no such delusions. They know a good game when they see one. They play games that are games, by god, and they have fun doing it. They play them at all ages, in all social settings, and their lives are richer for it. Some of us have plumbed the depths of these foreign gaming cultures, and have come back with forbidden lore that can save us all from crap like Monopoly. There are worlds undreamed of in your philosophy, Horatio, and you and your family could be having fun in them on a Thursday night. Tomorrow, I shall lay out for you a list of such treasures.

Until then, go to your closet, get down your Monopoly board, take it out in the back yard, and burn it. You'll not only feel better; you'll be a better human being.

-- The Prolix Wag
Candyland? CANDYLAND?!? I swear to god, if you weren't three, I would smack you in the mouth for even saying that word.

Griff Oberwald is a Big Fat Cheatyface

As you may or may not be aware, Cyanide Studios released their PC version of Blood Bowl a couple weeks ago. It has been consuming my life ever since.

Blood Bowl, for the uninitiated, is Fantasy Football. No, REAL Fantasy Football. As in, Football with Orcs and Elves and Trolls beating each other until their intestines fall out, and then occasionally picking up a spiky football and scoring with it. If you're not thinking "Football and Orcs and Elves and Trolls? Why didn't I think of that?", you have no soul and should seriously consider the idea that yours is the unexamined life Socrates was talking about.

Why? Because FUCK YES, that's why.

Blood Bowl began life as a boardgame, made by Games Workshop, the fantasy miniatures/wargames company that's best known for making games with awesome fluff and crappy mechanics that get 13-year-old boys to buy way too many pewter miniatures.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my own sublimated sexuality. Also, my shoulder pads block my ears.

Blood Bowl is, without a doubt, the best game Games Workshop ever designed. Awesome idea, simple, elegant mechanics, damn near bottomless replay value, and even at it's height you didn't have to drop $500 on miniatures to assure yourself a slim chance of not get your ass handed to you. The PC version is all that wrapped up in a very pretty, only slightly clunky package that lets you play game after game after game. I have not had this addictive a gaming experience since Civilization. Yes, it's THAT good. Go buy it now. You can read about why when you get back.

Look at this picture closely. If, after having examined it at length, you still haven't bought the game, congratulations! You're a replicant.

Blood Bowl is the Best Damned Game Ever for the following reasons:

1) Summoning, easily gettable premise. "Football with Orcs" is just about the easiest pitch meeting anyone will ever have.

2) Constant, impactful choices during your turn. The game is like chess in that every single move is valuable, and there is not a piece you can move (or not move) that will not have some impact on the gamespace.

3) Constant, impactful choices by your opponent during their turn. Likewise, everything your opponent does during their turn has a profound impact on the state of the game, and may in fact kill one of your players. There's no time you can safely tune out.

4) Randomness that adds to dramatic tension, rather than taking away from it. I used to hate the randomness in Blood Bowl. Any given move, pretty much, you can roll two ones, and your fastest, awesomest player falls flat on his face, and your turn is over, and then you can roll two sixes, and he dies. POOF! You can never eliminate the threat that something can go horribly, horribly wrong... but you can manage it, which is what makes the game fun rather than frustrating. There is always risk, which is inherently dramatic, but there are ways to mitigate those risks, which is what makes it an exercise in strategic thinking rather than a game of War.

5) Relentless forwarding action. Each move sets up the next. Each tackle opens up a hole to run through. Each injury sets up the desire for revenge. And after each game, the skills your player gets make you want to play another game to see how well they do with their new shiny-pretty, which in turn gets them more skills, which in turn makes you want to play more. It's the leveling reward feedback loop WITH SIXTEEN DIFFERENT CHARACTERS AT ONCE.

6) Your Rat-men can grow extra heads and tentacles. Which I really think is what's held Monopoly back all these years.

Buy it. Play it. Love it.

-- The Prolix Wag
Because I'm still OBVIOUSLY the Luckiest Player in the League.