Crazy Girl Sex

It has often been observed that women like to date assholes. You know, the whole why-doesn't-she-like-a-nice-guy-like-me-lament. What is less often observed is that men like to date crazy bitches. We like to date anything female, really, but given the choice, we'll usually go for the nut.

Mind you, I'm of the opinion that all men turn into assholes, and all women into crazy bitches, as soon as you apply the saliva of the opposite sex topically. But it's kinda six of one, half dozen of another.

I can't speak much to why women like to date assholes, aside from some generalized psychobabbling about wanting to fix them and feel needed and so on. But given my dating history, I think I can speak pretty authoritatively to why men like to date the crazies:

It's the sex, stupid.

Well, not the sex per se, necessarily, but the promise of sex. Kind, sane and stable women can be flip-out Katie-bar-the-door monkey-crazy in bed, but you can't tell by looking at them. Crazy women (no matter how bad they may be in bed in reality) look like they're halfway there already.

"If she's willing to break a bottle over my head in public," we think, "just think of what she'll be willing to do in private."

There are different kinds of crazy chicks, of course.

"I will cry after. Also, during. And a little before. This will both disgust and arouse you."

"I am a serial killer. I could skin, gut and joint you. Instead, I'll just do it emotionally. Also, that means I know how to use ropes."

"I will eat you."

You totally know the stake is there. You know she'll use it on you... someday. In the meantime...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Now, different strokes for different folks, but if you're a guy, you were turned on by at least three of those, and you've dated at least two. Or one repeatedly. Don't even pretend.

The question remains, of course: how can the sane and stable ladies use this information to their dating advantage?

Simple: remember, it's not about the craziness itself, it's about the promise of crazy sex that goes along with it.

Promise him the crazy sex, either implicitly or explicitly, and you've undercut the crazy-girl advantage.

I suggest explicitly. We're simple creatures.

-- The Prolix Wag
Are you an ex of mine? Wondering if you were one of those? Don't. Wonder which.

Saturday Gallery: Funny Face Porn (SFW)

By popular demand, more Funny Face Porn.

Unclear on the concept? Read this.

Sorry for all the watermarks; it looks like stock photo houses are the only places you can find the really hardcore stuff.

-- The Prolix Wag

You've seen her "O" face... what about her "Q" face? Her "ZXRPY" face?

I Want to Funny All Over Your Face

While watching the above video of the always-awesome Auto-Tune the News, I was reminded of a very simple fact that often goes overlooked in these troubled times:

Women that make funny faces are hot.

The young lady above is one Sarah Gregory, of The Gregory Brothers. The hotness of her rubber-facedness is only compounded by the fact that she's lip-syncing to the sound of her own voice, which is pretty phenomenal. Mean set of pipes = hot. Funny faces = hotter. Mean set of pipes + funny faces = flip me like a burger, 'cause I'm done.

I'm not sure how universal a reaction this is, mind. It could just be me. I find that hard to believe, though. The sheer sexocity of a woman not only willing, but able, to pull a Jim Carrey in a public forum is a pretty primal thing. I'm sure I am not the only man who, while recognizing the considerable comic talents of Carol Burnett, has always held a secret, smoldering torch for the utter hittability that is Vicki Lawrence.

Aw, damn, baby. You so... damn.

It's no secret that stage presence is hot. If I ever wanted to seal the deal with a woman, really bring things home, all I had to do was have her see a show I was in. As long as she didn't think I was utterly repulsive beforehand, I was in like Flynn. Whose use of the same technique is where the expression originated from in the first place.

Face-pulling is one of the more extreme demonstrations of "look at me, I own the room" you can get from a woman. Not so much from a man -- we make faces all the time, often in totally inappropriate settings. For a woman to do so, especially an attractive one, is an inherently transgressive act. And transgression is one of the quickest routes to the funny and the sexy.

The woman doesn't have to be hot, although it helps. If she's good enough, funny enough, talented enough, I'm all about it.

Fanny Brice. And yes, I would have. Like the fist of an angry god.

To those lovely ladies out there who are in the club (and you know who you are), I just want to say: thank you. And I hope your face freezes like that.

And now, in a trend I hope will become the next dark recess of human sexuality that the internet pulls out into the light of day, mocks, monetizes, and makes mainstream, I present: a small selection of Funny Face Porn.

-- The Prolix Wag
This post is not so much "Mrs. Wag Approved" as "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Marriage: For the Bad Times

As anyone who's ever shacked up with someone nubile enough and willing knows, you don't need marriage to bind two people together in a happy home life. At least for the first six months or so. That's what all the crazy hot monkey sex is for.

That's right: I said "crazy hot monkey sex".

Once you get past that initial period, though, the ardor which infused you every time you saw your mate, which drove you mad like a mandrill seeing a female's shining red posterior, tends to fade. The need to do the ol' Oop-Oop Ack-Ack Go-Bananas Throw-Bananas fades with time. The good news is, it won't necessarily stay quiet forever. With proper stoking, that furnace can be made to heat up on a pretty regular basis. The bad news is that, if you stick around long enough, it will eventually run silent and run deep for a while.

So: what keeps people around for those dark and sexless times?

Commitment.

Love is grand, but love with a legally binding contract is better. Many people think marriage is for the good times, for when you love each other, for being soul mates and dying at the exact same moment rocking on a porch somewhere, wrinkled hands stretched towards each other in a gesture of the everlasting bond that transcends even death.

Not so. First off, almost every marriage contract lets you out of it when you die; if heaven does exist, then you go there single and ready to get some. Second, marriage isn't for those times. Marriage is to get you to those times.

Marriage is for the bad times.

If you are ever married, there will come a time -- okay, many, many times -- when you will want to leave your spouse, even if it's just to go get an ice cream sandwich. Love will not be enough to keep you there. You will need paperwork.

You know in the cop movies, where they say "I'd shoot you, but I don't want to have to do all that paperwork?" Well, that's marriage.

"Wait -- if I shoot my wife, does that generate even more paperwork, or do I get off work early?"

As I noted in How to Have the Perfect Wedding, Mrs. Wag and I wrangled greatly over our vows. This is because we knew we were imperfect people, and the contract that bound us together would have to be strong indeed. A couple Anniversaries ago, I printed them up on some really nice paper, framed them, and gave them to Mrs. Wag as a token of my affection and the fact that I'm not going anywhere.

Here's what it says:

What I Have Promised

I have promised you Fidelity, Honesty, Patience and Love.

I have vowed to keep your Counsel , and to trust you with mine.

I have vowed to act in your Absence as I act in your Presence.

I have vowed to Cleave to you in all things and in all circumstances.

I have vowed to Have you and to Hold you, in Sickness and in Health, in Good Times and in Bad.

I have vowed to strive at all times and in all things to be the Best Spouse that I can, for as Long as we both shall Live.

In addition to being a wonderfully inexpensive romantic gift, it has the benefit of being a solid and specific reminder of the things I am contractually obligated to do for Mrs. Wag. I would be constantly forgetting that "keep your Counsel" thing otherwise. As it is, I only forget it often.

May your vows be just as strong, and may they come to mind right when they need to.

-- The Prolix Wag
Wondering why Mrs. Wag puts up with him since 2005.

Linky Linky Sunday: Premiere Edition

Okay, so I've decided I'm going to give myself a couple light days a week by dedicating Saturdays to some sort of fun picture gallery (no necessarily of hot cosplayers, but I reserve the right to revisit such a deep and rich theme as often as necessary to plumb the depths... as it were). Sundays shall be dedicated to all the link and video weirdness I was able to dig up during the week.

So.

Let's start with a little hot Olivia Munn-in-a-music-video action as an aperitif, shall we?



...and then downshift immediately into the Egg Masturbator.

It's not what you think.

It's worse:



God damnit, Japan! I mean, really.

Really.

Let's wash that away with WGN News anchors Robert Jordan and Jackie Bange enjoying a commercial break:



"Anime Iron Man"? Why yes, don't mind if I do:



"TRON Legacy"? Oh, I don't think I could possibly... well, all right. One more bite.



I'll have more and better next time when I've got some forethought and planning handy. Until then you'll just have to make do. Somehow.

-- The Prolix Wag
I can even condescend on my day off.

Behold the Power of Cosplay

In honor of the fact that I can't go to ComiCon in San Diego, and as a companion piece to my essay about why you should put on the metal bikini and sex up your man, and as a vain attempt to get Mrs. Wag to someday dress up like Ivy from Soul Calibur, I have decided to share a small collection of Hot Cosplay Pics.

For those of you not familiar with the term "Cosplay", it's a melding of the terms "Costume" and "Play", and is basically what we all do on Halloween, with the following exceptions:

1) It involves dressing up as characters from various geeky media, like comics, video games, scifi and fantasy movies, anime, cereal boxes, etcetera.

2) It's usually done at conventions.

3) They seriously kick it up a notch.

4) They all go back to the hotel afterward and have crazy roleplay sex with each other. Or at least I hope so. It had better be so. Looking at some of these costumes, it's their goddamn civic duty, okay?

I recognize that, for every one of the samples of Smoldering Nerd Hotness below, there are dozens of Overweight Slave Leias and Guys Dressed Up Like He-Man. But we at The Wag like to present a vision of the world as it should be, not as it necessarily is, and you can find enough visions of cosplay horror to stain your soul forever within thirty seconds on Google. Plus, I understand even they get laid at the parties.

Ladies, for bonus points, go through this gallery shot by shot with your man. The one where he coughs looks furtively around the room and says "Yeah, she's alright, I guess?" That's the one. That's your get-out-of-everything-free card, should you ever need one.

First off, a shot that's actually from ComiCon this year: Loki, from the Thor comic book. I had no idea Loki was a chick now. I need to start reading comics again... Hm. On second thought, I just need to look at cosplay pics more often.

See? Not only do girls play video games, they play as video games. Taki and Sophitia from Soul Calibur.

And here I always thought Molotov Cocktease's costume was a physical impossibility. Screw you, laws of physics.

And here I thought Power Girls physique was a physical impossibility. Screw you times two, laws of physics.

Cammy from the Street Fighter games. The laws of physics are really taking it on the chin today. For those of you who find this image exploitative, that's because the entire reason for the existence of the character of Cammy is her ass. That, and fast-crouching-kick cheese. So she's just being true to the character.

That, and it is exploitative.

Totally exploitative.

Yeah... moving on!

This is what happens when a pro steps it up: they can even make World of Warcraft sexy. I know. I was shocked, too.

Ivy from Soul Calibur. Now do you understand?

...

Honey?... Sweetie?... Where are you going?

And now, to cleanse the palate, the only thing better than Jennifer Aniston as Slave Leia: Olivia Munn as Slave Leia.

...aaand the only thing better than Olivia Munn as Slave Leia: a Slave Leia Pillow Fight.

You're welcome.

-- The Prolix Wag
My sexuality is more adult than yours because I'm willing to dress up like Green Lantern.

The Ultimatest Ultimate Bachelor Party

The topic of my bachelor party just came up in a conversation with my sister, which got me thinking about how awesome mine was, and how it could have been yet better.

My bachelor party consisted in sitting in an unfinished basement with a couple of hand-picked wingmen, drinking beer and playing boardgames until a ridiculous hour of the morning. Boardgames, mind you, such as Twilight Imperium, The Game That Has Only Ever Ended With Someone Pitching the Table Over in a Rage. Which is exactly what happened on the night in question. Which is part of what made it so awesome.

Much discussion was had, however, of how the evening fell short, of what certain frisson of sensual excess was missing. Which led me to volunteer, after some prodding, what I wished my bachelor party had really been like. Which is as follows:

Step 1

Hire hot hookers and/or strippers. Stupid hot. We're talking jaw-on-the-floor, such-creatures-cannot-possibly-exist-in-realspace-yet-there-they-are hot. Which would require them to be smart, too, of course.

Step 2

Dress them up in nothing but comfortable jeans and t-shirts. And possibly sweaters, depending on the time of year.

Step 3

Bring them into your house, and down into the basement, where your friends sit eagerly waiting on the edges of cheap folding chairs.

Step 4

Force them to play D&D with you. All. Night. Long.

"I don't know what your limits are, but I'm about to ask you to do something that may disgust you. I ask that you not judge; you'll be well-compensated. I'd like you to run us through Keep on the Shadowfell. Top to bottom."

"Straight up 4th Edition. Even I'm not that freaky."

There are going to be three kinds of people reading this. Those that say: "What the hell is Keep On the Shadowfell?" Those that laugh. And those that nod, and think: At last, I am understood.

My wife, predictably, thought it was funny, and that I was kidding. Much like the Leia Metal Bikini or the Darth Vader Corset, it is one of those things that geeks will nervously joke about with the women that love them, and the women will forever think their geeks aren't serious about.

Let me tell you this, ladies: we want the strippers playing D&D. We really do want you to dress up like Leia/Darth Vader/a Night Elf Paladin/Ivy from Soul Calibur/Pikachu. We wouldn't joke about it if we didn't.

Guys, you're welcome.

Oh, and ladies? Even if your man isn't a hardcore geek, if he was born any time in the 70s or 80s, the Leia Metal Bikini thing is deeply imprinted on his soul. When Rachel did that for Ross on Friends, women the world over laughed and laughed at how funny it was. And the men sitting next to them died a little inside.

This is Serious Fucking Business

Ladies, if you love your man -- I mean, if you really, truly love your man -- slip on the Metal Bikini every now and again. You will own his soul forever.

-- The Prolix Wag
Because rolling 20s is catnip to the ladies.