A Football Primer, Part 3: Know Thine Offense

Part 1: Your Sports All Suck is here.

Part 2: The Basics is here.

Football has perhaps the most specialized positions of any sport this side of Synchronized Assembly Line Carmaking. Positions are specialized to the point where players in different positions have vastly different physiques.

For example, the player on the far left is a Wide Receiver. The player next to him is a Linebacker. The player on the right is a Quarterback. The player in the middle is a total lardass.

Before we get into the specific positions, a quick word about football strategy. We'll get further in depth on this at another time, but for now you need to know the following:

The offense can move the ball by running with it or passing it. Defending against one is very different from the other, and much of football strategy revolves around fooling the defense into defending one while you do the other.

And now, the positions:


Note that while the players will line up in many different formations (the above is called an "I formation" because the QB, FB and HB make an "I") and sets (for example, replacing the TE and FB with Wide Receivers), their relative positions are usually pretty close to the above.

The Quarterback

The quarterback is the offense's leader on the field, the one who communicates the plays from the coach to the rest of the team and calls out the snap count that tells the Center when to hike the ball. They have to be smart, poised, and able to throw the ball really far and really accurately. Being able to run around some (being a "mobile quarterback") is useful, but not strictly necessary. QBs are tall, handsome, usually somewhat bland pretty boys who tend to scream "Not in the face!" a lot. They are also better paid than everyone else on the team, and the offense is crippled without a good one. In D&D terms, they are Human Warlords.

The Runningback



The runningback (technically the halfback, but nobody calls them that) is the primary guy who runs the ball. Most running plays will involve the quarterback handing the ball to this guy, who then plows ahead for three to four yards. They're also used as short-yardage pass receivers and extra blockers (to protect the QB) on pass plays. RBs are fast, short, and powerful, and tend to be the ones you can win on Madden with all the time just by picking Clinton Portis and hitting the A button repeatedly. They tend to like hitting people with their bodies, even when those people are bigger than them. In D&D terms, they are Half-Orc Barbarians.

The Fullback


The fullback is a big, powerful running player whose primary duty is usually to punch open holes for the runningback. Occasionally, they will catch a pass, just to fake everybody out. The are big, thundering running machines who like to take care of the smaller RB and QB. In D&D terms, FBs are Sweetums from the Muppets.

The Wide Receiver



Wide receivers are the primary receivers on passing plays, although they may throw a block every now and then if they think they won't break a nail. They are incredibly fast, self-centered showboats who think that every ball should be thrown to them. In D&D terms, they are snooty dual-wielding Elf Rangers who think they can do anything, and sometimes in fact do something pretty spectacular, but usually just whine about how they're not getting hasted by the party's wizard enough.

And there isn't a Wide Receiver in the league who wouldn't legally change his name to "Ithandir, Blade of Eternity" if he thought he could get away with it.

The Tight End

The tight end is a mix between a receiver and a blocker, although the second and third tight ends are usually just blockers they bring in on running plays who may catch a pass, but only if God demands it outright, in tripilicate. They are big, but fast and athletic, and have good hands. In D&D terms, they are multiclassed Goliath Fighter/Barbarians.

The Offensive Line


The offensive line -- made up of the center, the offensive tackles, and the offensive guards -- is the rolling wall of living flesh that protects the quarterback and opens up holes for the running backs to run through. On running plays, you'll see them trying to push the defensive linemen forward. On passing plays, you'll see them giving ground as slowly as possible to protect the quarterback. They are huge, and they pretty much never touch the ball on purpose. They are made for one purpose and one purpose alone: to pull aggro. Unlike defensive linemen, however, offensive linemen have to be smart, as there are often intricate blocking schemes they have to learn and change on the fly.

The center has the additional responsibility of hiking - passing or handing - the ball to the quarterback or punter on every play. He then immediately gets his face smashed in just like all the other linemen. This is difficult, especially on long snaps. The center is often the leader of the line -- he's the guy you see pointing at different defensive linemen and saying things like "Right Tackle -- sic balls!" before every play.

In D&D terms, the offensive line are Hyperintelligent Armored Hippos who have learned to wield axes and taken up the class of Fighter. The center is the same, only he's a Paladin.

Next Time: The Defense and Special Teams

-- The Prolix Wag
Ask any offensive lineman; he'll tell you the same thing.

D&D Will Eat Your Children

Sweet Jesus, here we go again.

And in Cedar City, no less. The city where I spent three lovely summers Shakespearifying and Dungeon Mastering. Hell, the year after that I was flown in for the express purpose of running a D&D game. And making out with my girlfriend at the time. Who I suspect was in it mainly for the D&D anyway.

We'll start with Penny Arcade's take, because it's brilliant:

It got me thinking about D&D's storied history of causing insanity in people who never actually play it. Although the game-blame isn't nearly as blatant and hysterical as its been in the past, there's something in the reporting that makes one's head twitch to the left in quizzical annoyance:

"Testimony Monday suggested a motive for the attacks may have grown from the trio playing the fantasy role-playing game "Dungeons and Dragons" and jealousy over a girl who King and Bryson knew."

It just doesn't scan right if you substitute "the live-action sports game 'football'". One could have a disagreement/motive for manslaughter that started over a game of football, started at a game of football, maybe even was a direct result of events that took place during a game of football, but "the motive for the attacks may have grown from the trio playing football"? Not so much.

Setting aside the fact that they chose gaming as the lead over the girl -- and as any fool knows, the hoohah is much stronger than the dice -- there's a nasty little insinuation there about the origin of the hammer-beating motive.

Combining the power of the hoohah with the power of the dice, of course, is the most powerful force in the universe.

Because to imply that a game like football might have directly caused someone to beat someone else with a hammer by its very existence and intrinsic nature would be ridiculous, right?

But you can do that with D&D. Still. I honestly thought we were past this. Well, I thought we should be past it. I guess there's a reason I felt it necessary to address the stupidity of the James Dallas Egbert Steam Tunnel Incident in my play Of Dice and Men. In my heart of hearts, I knew there was more educating to do. People still want scapegoats. And my chosen hobby is just weird enough to be a perennial favorite.

All while this bastard still walks the streets, free as a bird.

-- The Prolix Wag
Marcie, get out of here. YOU'RE DEAD! You don't exist any more.

The Ultimatest Ultimate Bachelor Party

The topic of my bachelor party just came up in a conversation with my sister, which got me thinking about how awesome mine was, and how it could have been yet better.

My bachelor party consisted in sitting in an unfinished basement with a couple of hand-picked wingmen, drinking beer and playing boardgames until a ridiculous hour of the morning. Boardgames, mind you, such as Twilight Imperium, The Game That Has Only Ever Ended With Someone Pitching the Table Over in a Rage. Which is exactly what happened on the night in question. Which is part of what made it so awesome.

Much discussion was had, however, of how the evening fell short, of what certain frisson of sensual excess was missing. Which led me to volunteer, after some prodding, what I wished my bachelor party had really been like. Which is as follows:

Step 1

Hire hot hookers and/or strippers. Stupid hot. We're talking jaw-on-the-floor, such-creatures-cannot-possibly-exist-in-realspace-yet-there-they-are hot. Which would require them to be smart, too, of course.

Step 2

Dress them up in nothing but comfortable jeans and t-shirts. And possibly sweaters, depending on the time of year.

Step 3

Bring them into your house, and down into the basement, where your friends sit eagerly waiting on the edges of cheap folding chairs.

Step 4

Force them to play D&D with you. All. Night. Long.

"I don't know what your limits are, but I'm about to ask you to do something that may disgust you. I ask that you not judge; you'll be well-compensated. I'd like you to run us through Keep on the Shadowfell. Top to bottom."

"Straight up 4th Edition. Even I'm not that freaky."

There are going to be three kinds of people reading this. Those that say: "What the hell is Keep On the Shadowfell?" Those that laugh. And those that nod, and think: At last, I am understood.

My wife, predictably, thought it was funny, and that I was kidding. Much like the Leia Metal Bikini or the Darth Vader Corset, it is one of those things that geeks will nervously joke about with the women that love them, and the women will forever think their geeks aren't serious about.

Let me tell you this, ladies: we want the strippers playing D&D. We really do want you to dress up like Leia/Darth Vader/a Night Elf Paladin/Ivy from Soul Calibur/Pikachu. We wouldn't joke about it if we didn't.

Guys, you're welcome.

Oh, and ladies? Even if your man isn't a hardcore geek, if he was born any time in the 70s or 80s, the Leia Metal Bikini thing is deeply imprinted on his soul. When Rachel did that for Ross on Friends, women the world over laughed and laughed at how funny it was. And the men sitting next to them died a little inside.

This is Serious Fucking Business

Ladies, if you love your man -- I mean, if you really, truly love your man -- slip on the Metal Bikini every now and again. You will own his soul forever.

-- The Prolix Wag
Because rolling 20s is catnip to the ladies.