10 Boardgames You Need to Play Right Now, You Stupid Monopoly Monkey, Part 1

Most Americans think of boardgames as kid stuff, or at best, teenage-geek-boy-stuff (re: RISK). One could blame them, but, philistines that they are, they are not really at fault. They have been raised to think that Monopoly is a good game. When, in fact, Monopoly is not a game at all. It is a dice-rolling exercise created by Satan to spread human misery and strife.

I thrive on the taste of human souls. Tee hee!

First created in 1904 (under the name "The Landlord Game"), sales of Monopoly really took off during the Depression, probably because people needed imaginary soul-crushing despair and boredom to distract them from the real soul-crushing despair and boredom all around them.

Every game of Monopoly ever played has gone like this:

1) Yay! We're going to play Monopoly. I hope I get to be the racecar!

2) People are buying stuff. How exciting!

3) I just passed go and collected $200. How gratifying!

4) Most of the stuff has been bought. Things are really heating up!

5) Someone landed on someone else's stuff. The owner of said stuff has now started winning.

6) They're winning more.

7) Huh. They're still winning.

8) Yep. Still winning.

9) I'm going to go get a snack. Let me know if they stop winning while I'm gone.

10) Yeah, sorry. Mom called while I was in the kitchen. I kinda got into the conversation. Did you know my little cousin Kevin is going to college this Fall? Isn't that crazy? What? Two hours? Really? Well, thanks for playing my piece for me. Are they still winn--? Wow. They still are. I guess I'll... sit down and... play, then.

11) Dear Diary: Just passed Go again. My fingers are numb. Tell Laura I love her.

12) JESUS CHRIST WILL THE MADNESS NEVER END? WILL WE NEVER SEE THE DAWN!?!

13) Oh, look at that. They won.

14) Honey, I want a divorce.

Feverish delusions of apophenia aside, there is no goddamn strategy to Monopoly. There is no actual decision-making on the part of the players. There is the illusion of such ("Railroads are a good deal! Utilities are a bad deal! I feel just like Sun Tzu!"), but let's face it, it all comes down to the dice. Monopoly is essentially Craps, except without the glamor, and you can't buy a hooker with the proceeds if you win. The only important decision you ever make is which piece to play. As we all know, you should always go with race car or terrier, and never shoe, thimble, or hat.

The retarded monopoly pieces.

Compounding this is the gameplay dynamic outlined above, where you can predict the winner of a given Monopoly game approximately thirteen hours before the end. If someday you try to design a game to produce the opposite of fun, good luck doing better. The thought that such an inelegant, un-fun artistic abortion even exists gives game designers the shivers. The fact that most Americans consider it a game at all drives most of them to deep despair. The thought that it has sold bazillions of copies, and that many people actually play it on a regular basis, drives many of them to suicide.

Oh, quick side note for those semi-geeks out there who are feeling all superior about playing RISK instead: RISK is the same thing, only you can see who's going to win as soon as they pick Australia.

"Hm. Can I win by attacking Kamchatka, or Yakutsk? Oh, that's right: I've already lost. I'm playing RISK!"

Other countries, especially Germany for some reason, are under no such delusions. They know a good game when they see one. They play games that are games, by god, and they have fun doing it. They play them at all ages, in all social settings, and their lives are richer for it. Some of us have plumbed the depths of these foreign gaming cultures, and have come back with forbidden lore that can save us all from crap like Monopoly. There are worlds undreamed of in your philosophy, Horatio, and you and your family could be having fun in them on a Thursday night. Tomorrow, I shall lay out for you a list of such treasures.

Until then, go to your closet, get down your Monopoly board, take it out in the back yard, and burn it. You'll not only feel better; you'll be a better human being.

-- The Prolix Wag
Candyland? CANDYLAND?!? I swear to god, if you weren't three, I would smack you in the mouth for even saying that word.