The Prolix Wag has moved permanently to:
www.prolixwag.com
That is all.
-- The PW
Sunday, August 30, 2009
We've moved to: www.prolixwag.com
The Prolix Wag has moved permanently to:
www.prolixwag.com
That is all.
-- The PW
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wag at Work
The Wag is busy wrestling with WordPress to bring you a New and Improved Prolix Wag. The new site should be good to go in a few days. Until then, take this opportunity to re-read my some of my previous jewels of wisdom; odds are you've forgotten the valuable lessons contained therein already.
-- The Prolix Wag
I'll give you a hint: WordPress is the guy in red.
I'll give you a hint: WordPress is the guy in red.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
A Football Primer, Part 3: Know Thine Offense
Part 1: Your Sports All Suck is here.
Part 2: The Basics is here.
Football has perhaps the most specialized positions of any sport this side of Synchronized Assembly Line Carmaking. Positions are specialized to the point where players in different positions have vastly different physiques.
For example, the player on the far left is a Wide Receiver. The player next to him is a Linebacker. The player on the right is a Quarterback. The player in the middle is a total lardass.
Part 2: The Basics is here.
Football has perhaps the most specialized positions of any sport this side of Synchronized Assembly Line Carmaking. Positions are specialized to the point where players in different positions have vastly different physiques.
For example, the player on the far left is a Wide Receiver. The player next to him is a Linebacker. The player on the right is a Quarterback. The player in the middle is a total lardass.Before we get into the specific positions, a quick word about football strategy. We'll get further in depth on this at another time, but for now you need to know the following:
The offense can move the ball by running with it or passing it. Defending against one is very different from the other, and much of football strategy revolves around fooling the defense into defending one while you do the other.
And now, the positions:
Note that while the players will line up in many different formations (the above is called an "I formation" because the QB, FB and HB make an "I") and sets (for example, replacing the TE and FB with Wide Receivers), their relative positions are usually pretty close to the above.
The Quarterback
The quarterback is the offense's leader on the field, the one who communicates the plays from the coach to the rest of the team and calls out the snap count that tells the Center when to hike the ball. They have to be smart, poised, and able to throw the ball really far and really accurately. Being able to run around some (being a "mobile quarterback") is useful, but not strictly necessary. QBs are tall, handsome, usually somewhat bland pretty boys who tend to scream "Not in the face!" a lot. They are also better paid than everyone else on the team, and the offense is crippled without a good one. In D&D terms, they are Human Warlords.
The Runningback
The runningback (technically the halfback, but nobody calls them that) is the primary guy who runs the ball. Most running plays will involve the quarterback handing the ball to this guy, who then plows ahead for three to four yards. They're also used as short-yardage pass receivers and extra blockers (to protect the QB) on pass plays. RBs are fast, short, and powerful, and tend to be the ones you can win on Madden with all the time just by picking Clinton Portis and hitting the A button repeatedly. They tend to like hitting people with their bodies, even when those people are bigger than them. In D&D terms, they are Half-Orc Barbarians.
The Fullback
The fullback is a big, powerful running player whose primary duty is usually to punch open holes for the runningback. Occasionally, they will catch a pass, just to fake everybody out. The are big, thundering running machines who like to take care of the smaller RB and QB. In D&D terms, FBs are Sweetums from the Muppets.
The Wide Receiver
Wide receivers are the primary receivers on passing plays, although they may throw a block every now and then if they think they won't break a nail. They are incredibly fast, self-centered showboats who think that every ball should be thrown to them. In D&D terms, they are snooty dual-wielding Elf Rangers who think they can do anything, and sometimes in fact do something pretty spectacular, but usually just whine about how they're not getting hasted by the party's wizard enough.
And there isn't a Wide Receiver in the league who wouldn't legally change his name to "Ithandir, Blade of Eternity" if he thought he could get away with it.
The Tight End
The tight end is a mix between a receiver and a blocker, although the second and third tight ends are usually just blockers they bring in on running plays who may catch a pass, but only if God demands it outright, in tripilicate. They are big, but fast and athletic, and have good hands. In D&D terms, they are multiclassed Goliath Fighter/Barbarians.
The Offensive Line
The offensive line -- made up of the center, the offensive tackles, and the offensive guards -- is the rolling wall of living flesh that protects the quarterback and opens up holes for the running backs to run through. On running plays, you'll see them trying to push the defensive linemen forward. On passing plays, you'll see them giving ground as slowly as possible to protect the quarterback. They are huge, and they pretty much never touch the ball on purpose. They are made for one purpose and one purpose alone: to pull aggro. Unlike defensive linemen, however, offensive linemen have to be smart, as there are often intricate blocking schemes they have to learn and change on the fly.
The center has the additional responsibility of hiking - passing or handing - the ball to the quarterback or punter on every play. He then immediately gets his face smashed in just like all the other linemen. This is difficult, especially on long snaps. The center is often the leader of the line -- he's the guy you see pointing at different defensive linemen and saying things like "Right Tackle -- sic balls!" before every play.
In D&D terms, the offensive line are Hyperintelligent Armored Hippos who have learned to wield axes and taken up the class of Fighter. The center is the same, only he's a Paladin.
Next Time: The Defense and Special Teams
The offense can move the ball by running with it or passing it. Defending against one is very different from the other, and much of football strategy revolves around fooling the defense into defending one while you do the other.
And now, the positions:
Note that while the players will line up in many different formations (the above is called an "I formation" because the QB, FB and HB make an "I") and sets (for example, replacing the TE and FB with Wide Receivers), their relative positions are usually pretty close to the above.
The Quarterback
The quarterback is the offense's leader on the field, the one who communicates the plays from the coach to the rest of the team and calls out the snap count that tells the Center when to hike the ball. They have to be smart, poised, and able to throw the ball really far and really accurately. Being able to run around some (being a "mobile quarterback") is useful, but not strictly necessary. QBs are tall, handsome, usually somewhat bland pretty boys who tend to scream "Not in the face!" a lot. They are also better paid than everyone else on the team, and the offense is crippled without a good one. In D&D terms, they are Human Warlords.The Runningback
The runningback (technically the halfback, but nobody calls them that) is the primary guy who runs the ball. Most running plays will involve the quarterback handing the ball to this guy, who then plows ahead for three to four yards. They're also used as short-yardage pass receivers and extra blockers (to protect the QB) on pass plays. RBs are fast, short, and powerful, and tend to be the ones you can win on Madden with all the time just by picking Clinton Portis and hitting the A button repeatedly. They tend to like hitting people with their bodies, even when those people are bigger than them. In D&D terms, they are Half-Orc Barbarians.
The Fullback
The fullback is a big, powerful running player whose primary duty is usually to punch open holes for the runningback. Occasionally, they will catch a pass, just to fake everybody out. The are big, thundering running machines who like to take care of the smaller RB and QB. In D&D terms, FBs are Sweetums from the Muppets.
The Wide Receiver
Wide receivers are the primary receivers on passing plays, although they may throw a block every now and then if they think they won't break a nail. They are incredibly fast, self-centered showboats who think that every ball should be thrown to them. In D&D terms, they are snooty dual-wielding Elf Rangers who think they can do anything, and sometimes in fact do something pretty spectacular, but usually just whine about how they're not getting hasted by the party's wizard enough.
And there isn't a Wide Receiver in the league who wouldn't legally change his name to "Ithandir, Blade of Eternity" if he thought he could get away with it.
The Tight End
The tight end is a mix between a receiver and a blocker, although the second and third tight ends are usually just blockers they bring in on running plays who may catch a pass, but only if God demands it outright, in tripilicate. They are big, but fast and athletic, and have good hands. In D&D terms, they are multiclassed Goliath Fighter/Barbarians.The Offensive Line
The offensive line -- made up of the center, the offensive tackles, and the offensive guards -- is the rolling wall of living flesh that protects the quarterback and opens up holes for the running backs to run through. On running plays, you'll see them trying to push the defensive linemen forward. On passing plays, you'll see them giving ground as slowly as possible to protect the quarterback. They are huge, and they pretty much never touch the ball on purpose. They are made for one purpose and one purpose alone: to pull aggro. Unlike defensive linemen, however, offensive linemen have to be smart, as there are often intricate blocking schemes they have to learn and change on the fly.
The center has the additional responsibility of hiking - passing or handing - the ball to the quarterback or punter on every play. He then immediately gets his face smashed in just like all the other linemen. This is difficult, especially on long snaps. The center is often the leader of the line -- he's the guy you see pointing at different defensive linemen and saying things like "Right Tackle -- sic balls!" before every play.
In D&D terms, the offensive line are Hyperintelligent Armored Hippos who have learned to wield axes and taken up the class of Fighter. The center is the same, only he's a Paladin.
Next Time: The Defense and Special Teams
-- The Prolix Wag
Ask any offensive lineman; he'll tell you the same thing.
Ask any offensive lineman; he'll tell you the same thing.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
A Football Primer, Part 2: The Basics
Part 1: Your Sports All Suck is here.
Before we start loving football, we have to know it. This will be a review for many of you, but there will be funny pictures later proving that football is totally not gay, so read on for that if nothing else.
Football is complicated, but this is what makes it fun to watch. So pay attention.
Football is played on a field like this:
Although regulation fields tend to be both larger and more grassy. The field is laid out with two endzones, one on either end, with a 100-yard-long field in between. As you can see, the field is marked out in ten-yard increments. This will be important later.
A game of football is played in a series of setpiece plays called downs, with specialized teams of eleven men on a side. One side plays offense (they have the ball) while the other plays defense. Whenever the ball changes possession, they switch sides. There's also a thing called special teams, but we'll get to that in a moment.
The winner of a football game is determined by who scores the most points. There are four ways to score points:
A touchdown is when a player (on either offense, defense or special teams) is in possession of the ball inside their opponent's endzone. This can be accomplished by running into the endzone with the ball, or catching the ball in the endzone.
The signal for "touchdown". If the ref does this, you go "YAY!" or "FUCKING COWBOYS! GODAMNIT!!!", depending.
A touchdown is worth 6 points.
A field goal is when the offense kicks the ball between the uprights of the goal post (the big yellow letter Y) situated at the end of each endzone. It is significantly easier to score a field goal than a touchdown.
Usually.
A field goal is worth 3 points.
A safety occurs when a player on the offense in possession of the ball is tackled in his own endzone. Safeties are very rare, and it means the defense is doing a hell of a job.
Also that your offense is screwed. *cough* not gay *cough*.
A safety is worth 2 points.
Finally, after every touchdown, the offense has the choice of going for an extra point or a two-point conversion.
An extra point is a super-easy short field goal. They are only worth 1 point, but are pretty much a gimme.
A two-point conversion is an "easy" short touchdown attempt. They are much harder than extra points. Worth 2 points. Hence the name.
Pro teams almost never "go for 2" unless there is a mathematical reason they either NEED 2 points or have nothing to gain by only getting 1. Or they want to really embarrass the other team. Neither of which happens very often.
Hence, touchdowns are really worth 7 points.
So a field goal is worth just less than half of a touchdown, practically speaking. This is why you will hear announcers talk about teams "settling for a field goal" instead of "going for the touchdown".
Now, as I mentioned earlier, football is played in a series of setpiece plays, or downs. Each down is a chance to move the ball closer to your opponent's endzone from the line of scrimmage, which is an imaginary line across the field where the ball starts each play, which divides the offense from the defense until the play starts.
The offense starts with four downs. Each time they move the ball ten yards forward from the original line of scrimmage, they get another four downs. This is called a first down. You can tell when a player does this because of the cool imaginary yellow line the TV people draw for us.
Fun Fact: It's considered perfectly normal to tease the noobs by telling them they have a team of specially trained technicians erase the old line and paint a new one every play. Welcome to the club.
Each down is called by it's number, and the number of yards the ball has to go to get a first down.
1st and 10 is what starts every new set of downs.
2nd and 5 is what you get after a good running play on 1st down.
3rd and 20 means your quarterback is about to get killed.
Kinda like this. He's under there somewhere. NB: This is TOTALLY NOT GAY.
Before we start loving football, we have to know it. This will be a review for many of you, but there will be funny pictures later proving that football is totally not gay, so read on for that if nothing else.
Football is complicated, but this is what makes it fun to watch. So pay attention.
Football is played on a field like this:
Although regulation fields tend to be both larger and more grassy. The field is laid out with two endzones, one on either end, with a 100-yard-long field in between. As you can see, the field is marked out in ten-yard increments. This will be important later.
A game of football is played in a series of setpiece plays called downs, with specialized teams of eleven men on a side. One side plays offense (they have the ball) while the other plays defense. Whenever the ball changes possession, they switch sides. There's also a thing called special teams, but we'll get to that in a moment.
The winner of a football game is determined by who scores the most points. There are four ways to score points:
A touchdown is when a player (on either offense, defense or special teams) is in possession of the ball inside their opponent's endzone. This can be accomplished by running into the endzone with the ball, or catching the ball in the endzone.
The signal for "touchdown". If the ref does this, you go "YAY!" or "FUCKING COWBOYS! GODAMNIT!!!", depending.A touchdown is worth 6 points.
A field goal is when the offense kicks the ball between the uprights of the goal post (the big yellow letter Y) situated at the end of each endzone. It is significantly easier to score a field goal than a touchdown.
Usually.A field goal is worth 3 points.
A safety occurs when a player on the offense in possession of the ball is tackled in his own endzone. Safeties are very rare, and it means the defense is doing a hell of a job.
Also that your offense is screwed. *cough* not gay *cough*.A safety is worth 2 points.
Finally, after every touchdown, the offense has the choice of going for an extra point or a two-point conversion.
An extra point is a super-easy short field goal. They are only worth 1 point, but are pretty much a gimme.
A two-point conversion is an "easy" short touchdown attempt. They are much harder than extra points. Worth 2 points. Hence the name.
Pro teams almost never "go for 2" unless there is a mathematical reason they either NEED 2 points or have nothing to gain by only getting 1. Or they want to really embarrass the other team. Neither of which happens very often.
Hence, touchdowns are really worth 7 points.
So a field goal is worth just less than half of a touchdown, practically speaking. This is why you will hear announcers talk about teams "settling for a field goal" instead of "going for the touchdown".
Now, as I mentioned earlier, football is played in a series of setpiece plays, or downs. Each down is a chance to move the ball closer to your opponent's endzone from the line of scrimmage, which is an imaginary line across the field where the ball starts each play, which divides the offense from the defense until the play starts.
The offense starts with four downs. Each time they move the ball ten yards forward from the original line of scrimmage, they get another four downs. This is called a first down. You can tell when a player does this because of the cool imaginary yellow line the TV people draw for us.
Fun Fact: It's considered perfectly normal to tease the noobs by telling them they have a team of specially trained technicians erase the old line and paint a new one every play. Welcome to the club.Each down is called by it's number, and the number of yards the ball has to go to get a first down.
1st and 10 is what starts every new set of downs.
2nd and 5 is what you get after a good running play on 1st down.
3rd and 20 means your quarterback is about to get killed.
Kinda like this. He's under there somewhere. NB: This is TOTALLY NOT GAY.Note that while the offense has four downs to get the ball ten yards, they really only have three (usually). This is because, if they fail to convert on fourth down, the other team gets the ball wherever it was. This is where special teams come in.
The offense has the option of kicking a field goal or punting the ball on any down, although they normally only do either on 4th down. Kicking a field goal gets you 3 points. Punting (which involves drop-kicking the ball instead of place-kicking it, as a field goal does) lets you (hopefully) kick the ball way the hell into your opponent's territory, so their offense will have a much harder time.
On both punts and kickoffs -- a place-kick where one team gives the ball away to the other, both at the start of each half and after each score -- the receiving team has a chance to return the ball. That is to say, one guy catches the ball and runs like hell, while everyone else on the other team tries to take his head off. They are not called "special teams" because what they do is special or rare. They are called "special" because they are frickin' suicidal, on both sides of the ball.
The Wag hopes this has been edifying, and that the accompanying images have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that football is not gay.
See? TOTALLY not gay. Except in the lesbian way. If football players were hot lipstick lesbians in pads instead of three-hundred pound hunks of glorious, thundering man-meat.
Okay, it may be kinda gay.
Next time: Can't Tell Your Players Without a Program, or Why They Always Make Fun of Punters.
The offense has the option of kicking a field goal or punting the ball on any down, although they normally only do either on 4th down. Kicking a field goal gets you 3 points. Punting (which involves drop-kicking the ball instead of place-kicking it, as a field goal does) lets you (hopefully) kick the ball way the hell into your opponent's territory, so their offense will have a much harder time.
On both punts and kickoffs -- a place-kick where one team gives the ball away to the other, both at the start of each half and after each score -- the receiving team has a chance to return the ball. That is to say, one guy catches the ball and runs like hell, while everyone else on the other team tries to take his head off. They are not called "special teams" because what they do is special or rare. They are called "special" because they are frickin' suicidal, on both sides of the ball.
The Wag hopes this has been edifying, and that the accompanying images have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that football is not gay.
See? TOTALLY not gay. Except in the lesbian way. If football players were hot lipstick lesbians in pads instead of three-hundred pound hunks of glorious, thundering man-meat.Okay, it may be kinda gay.
Next time: Can't Tell Your Players Without a Program, or Why They Always Make Fun of Punters.
-- The Prolix Wag
The trademark is pending on "hunk of glorious, thundering man-meat", so don't even think about it.
The trademark is pending on "hunk of glorious, thundering man-meat", so don't even think about it.
Monday, August 24, 2009
A Football Primer, Part 1: Your Sports All Suck
Football season is almost upon us, and as per usual, my heart breaks at the thought that there are still benighted souls out there who don't partake of fandom for The Most Telegenic of Sports. It's understandable, really; Football is a complicated sport, with a steep learning curve once you get past the why-are-those-guys-wearing-tights phase. But it's an incredibly rewarding sport to watch and fanicate to.
So why football over other sports?
Soccer is the most enjoyable sport to watch live, with a wonderful mix of pacing, drama and athleticism. It's more fun to watch live than football is. If you go to a pro football game, you'll be astonished at the sheer speed and level of athleticism -- TV really doesn't do justice to how fast these guys go and how hard they hit -- but it's incredibly hard to actually follow the game without superimposed yellow down lines and commentators with Xs and Os telling you why the home team needs to give the corner some safety help, for the love of god. Soccer, on the other hand, has a big white ball that's easy to follow, slow-developing but dynamic plays, and guys in shorts with great legs for those that go in for such things.
On TV, alas, it is incredibly boring. I'm not quite sure why.
Hockey is just like soccer, but it's colder, you can't see the ball, and instead of grabbing their shins and singing a brief number from Il Pagliaccio whenever another player runs into them, they just punch each other.
Boxing is hockey without the skating.
Mixed Martial Arts is boxing, but sweatier and with repeated nad-punching. Also, homoerotic as hell.
Baseball is an actuarial exercise cleverly disguised as a sport. They also sell hot dogs at the games, so there's that.
Never got over the thrill of being on Math Team? Lack the imagination for D&D? Then by god, have I got a sport for you.
Basketball apparently involves some strategy. Apparently.
"Guys! Don't bunch up! Don't bunch up! We worked on this in practice, damnit!"
Women's Volleyball is awesome, but only available in significant quantities during the Olympics.
Curling has the same problem as women's volleyball, plus you won't be able to explain to yourself why it's so damn compelling.
For the record, this is NOT why I love curling. It is, however, about 13 levels of awesome.
Golf has the why-the-hell-am-I-loving-this factor, at least on TV. There's a pretty healthy why-the-hell-am-I-doing-this factor if you ever actually play it, too.
Even Strip Golf is the most boring Strip Sport in the world if you actually have to play it.
NASCAR will remain deadly boring until they start mounting chainguns on the cars. This is just a fact of life.
Some day, some fine and wonderful day, she will be mine, and Steve Jackson shall ride shotgun.
So why football over other sports?
Soccer is the most enjoyable sport to watch live, with a wonderful mix of pacing, drama and athleticism. It's more fun to watch live than football is. If you go to a pro football game, you'll be astonished at the sheer speed and level of athleticism -- TV really doesn't do justice to how fast these guys go and how hard they hit -- but it's incredibly hard to actually follow the game without superimposed yellow down lines and commentators with Xs and Os telling you why the home team needs to give the corner some safety help, for the love of god. Soccer, on the other hand, has a big white ball that's easy to follow, slow-developing but dynamic plays, and guys in shorts with great legs for those that go in for such things.
On TV, alas, it is incredibly boring. I'm not quite sure why.
Hockey is just like soccer, but it's colder, you can't see the ball, and instead of grabbing their shins and singing a brief number from Il Pagliaccio whenever another player runs into them, they just punch each other.
Boxing is hockey without the skating.
Mixed Martial Arts is boxing, but sweatier and with repeated nad-punching. Also, homoerotic as hell.
Baseball is an actuarial exercise cleverly disguised as a sport. They also sell hot dogs at the games, so there's that.
Never got over the thrill of being on Math Team? Lack the imagination for D&D? Then by god, have I got a sport for you.Basketball apparently involves some strategy. Apparently.
"Guys! Don't bunch up! Don't bunch up! We worked on this in practice, damnit!"Women's Volleyball is awesome, but only available in significant quantities during the Olympics.
Curling has the same problem as women's volleyball, plus you won't be able to explain to yourself why it's so damn compelling.
For the record, this is NOT why I love curling. It is, however, about 13 levels of awesome.Golf has the why-the-hell-am-I-loving-this factor, at least on TV. There's a pretty healthy why-the-hell-am-I-doing-this factor if you ever actually play it, too.
Even Strip Golf is the most boring Strip Sport in the world if you actually have to play it.NASCAR will remain deadly boring until they start mounting chainguns on the cars. This is just a fact of life.
Some day, some fine and wonderful day, she will be mine, and Steve Jackson shall ride shotgun.Football, on the other hand, is incredibly watchable. It's broken up into setpiece plays that allow time in between for kibbutzing and yelling at the instant replay, but unlike baseball, those setpiece plays are actually interesting. It's violent like hockey, boxing or MMA, but just controlled enough that you can pretend you're not enjoying watching guys trying to use their entire bodies as murder weapons even though you totally are. It has a depth of strategy that rewards a studious approach to the sport; if you're a geek, there is no sport closer to a tabletop wargame or RPG than this. Plus, there's tight pants with tight buns in them for one-half-plus-ten-percent of us, and cheerleaders for the other one-half-plus-ten-percent.
It is the perfect sport for the televised age. People have been fooling themselves attaching the phrase to baseball for far too long; watching football is America's Pastime.
Next time: The game explained.
It is the perfect sport for the televised age. People have been fooling themselves attaching the phrase to baseball for far too long; watching football is America's Pastime.
Next time: The game explained.
-- The Prolix Wag
"Because I'm Clinton Portis, that's why."
"Because I'm Clinton Portis, that's why."
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Linky Linky Sunday: Flash Games Edition
Having put in countless hours of research, I think it's about time I shared some of my accumulated wisdom and gave out the links for some of my favorite free-to-play flash games. All the links below are to Kongregate, a cool gaming site that lets you track achievements for most games through their "badge" system, as well as donate to the developers of games you like. All of these are worth playing. In no particular order, I give you:
CycloManiacs
Battalion Arena
Gemcraft chapter 0
Amorphous+
Dolphin Olympics 2
The Last Stand 2
Bubble Tanks 2
The Visitor
Desktop TD Pro
Boxhead 2Play Rooms
Portal: The Flash Version
Enjoy!
CycloManiacs
Battalion Arena
Gemcraft chapter 0
Amorphous+
Dolphin Olympics 2
The Last Stand 2
Bubble Tanks 2
The Visitor
Desktop TD Pro
Boxhead 2Play Rooms
Portal: The Flash Version
Enjoy!
-- The Prolix Wag
Crippling carpal-tunnel syndrome is a small price to pay for unlocking all the horns on CycloManiacs.
Crippling carpal-tunnel syndrome is a small price to pay for unlocking all the horns on CycloManiacs.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Saturday Gallery: Wayne Reynolds
Today I thought I'd share with you the works of my favorite fantasy artist and illustrator, Wayne Reynolds. His artwork has become the face of the new edition of D&D, and with good reason. I love his eye for detail, his compositions, his use of weight, and his sense of humor. Plus, he paints badass elfy-type-babes. Enjoy.
-- The Prolix Wag
Call it "para-art" and I WILL pop you one.
Call it "para-art" and I WILL pop you one.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tom Ridge and the Terror Alert of Doom
I have always tried to avoid the worst of anti-Bush hysteria, mainly because I thought well-intentioned, ideologically-driven incompetence was a much better explanation for what went on during that administration than cackling Evil Villainery. Besides, I've always thought that ranting on about the evilness of the principals and their imagined acts distracted from the evilness of the things they actually did do, which were no less evil just because they were motivated by negligence and stupidity. Banality of evil and all that.
And now we have this.
I never put any stock in the idea that anyone in the Bush administration would actually purposefully manipulate this country's national security apparatus to win an election, both because I discounted the whole cackling hand-rubbing image, and because while I knew they were dumb, I never thought anyone could be that dumb.
Well, almost no one.
As is the usual way of these things, we're hearing about it third or fourth hand from the second cousin of someone who read a draft of a book that looks an awful lot like a grindstone, by someone who has plenty of axes lined up and ready to go. So I don't think we can say what really happened yet.
For example:
"[Ridge says he was] pushed to raise the security alert on the eve of President Bush's re-election, something he saw as politically motivated and worth resigning over."
Key phrase there, and you don't know what to make of it until you read the book. Suffice to say we don't have all the facts yet.
Also,
"We went over backwards repeatedly and with great discipline to make sure politics did not influence any national security and homeland security decisions," -- former WH CoS Andy Card
Which I buy, actually.
But that doesn't mean it didn't happen anyway. That's the kind of thing Cheney's office would have done just because someone told them not to.
"Of course we'll hit our own troops. But appearances must be maintained. Fire at will."
Still, grain of salt firmly in place, I'm tempted to give Ridge the benefit of the doubt. He always struck me as a good guy stuck with one of the most poorly-thought-out job descriptions in all of Washington, and that's saying something.
"Could you take responsibility for the security of the entire nation without any real authority? Knew you could. 'Preesh."
So I buy it, at least on the face of it. All that remains is to see who said what when, and exactly how bad it really was.
This never-ending stream of revelations about the Bush administration, each one confirming that not only as bad as we thought, but it was actually worse, does nothing to shake my faith in humanity. I didn't have that much to begin with. Humanity is capable of far worse; despite what some lulubirds shriek, we've never even scratched the surface of the Nazi or Stalinist kind of evil. But it has shaken my faith in this country. That we could have ever let things get so bad, that we're so slow to face what actually happened, and that we'll probably never hold anyone truly accountable... at least the Constitution held, and we changed governments. But it took so little for us to get scared out of our most basic principles, and to betray our better natures as a people.
And now we have this.
I never put any stock in the idea that anyone in the Bush administration would actually purposefully manipulate this country's national security apparatus to win an election, both because I discounted the whole cackling hand-rubbing image, and because while I knew they were dumb, I never thought anyone could be that dumb.
Well, almost no one.As is the usual way of these things, we're hearing about it third or fourth hand from the second cousin of someone who read a draft of a book that looks an awful lot like a grindstone, by someone who has plenty of axes lined up and ready to go. So I don't think we can say what really happened yet.
For example:
"[Ridge says he was] pushed to raise the security alert on the eve of President Bush's re-election, something he saw as politically motivated and worth resigning over."
Key phrase there, and you don't know what to make of it until you read the book. Suffice to say we don't have all the facts yet.
Also,
"We went over backwards repeatedly and with great discipline to make sure politics did not influence any national security and homeland security decisions," -- former WH CoS Andy Card
Which I buy, actually.
But that doesn't mean it didn't happen anyway. That's the kind of thing Cheney's office would have done just because someone told them not to.
"Of course we'll hit our own troops. But appearances must be maintained. Fire at will."Still, grain of salt firmly in place, I'm tempted to give Ridge the benefit of the doubt. He always struck me as a good guy stuck with one of the most poorly-thought-out job descriptions in all of Washington, and that's saying something.
"Could you take responsibility for the security of the entire nation without any real authority? Knew you could. 'Preesh."So I buy it, at least on the face of it. All that remains is to see who said what when, and exactly how bad it really was.
This never-ending stream of revelations about the Bush administration, each one confirming that not only as bad as we thought, but it was actually worse, does nothing to shake my faith in humanity. I didn't have that much to begin with. Humanity is capable of far worse; despite what some lulubirds shriek, we've never even scratched the surface of the Nazi or Stalinist kind of evil. But it has shaken my faith in this country. That we could have ever let things get so bad, that we're so slow to face what actually happened, and that we'll probably never hold anyone truly accountable... at least the Constitution held, and we changed governments. But it took so little for us to get scared out of our most basic principles, and to betray our better natures as a people.
-- The Prolix Wag
My faith in myself, of course, remains profoundly unshaken.
My faith in myself, of course, remains profoundly unshaken.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
PLEASE READ
Hi folks.
As some of you may know, I have been using Google AdSense on my blog. Many of you have been very supportive in your willingness to visit the sponsors AdSense has presented to you on my blog.
Some of you, unfortunately, have been a little too supportive.
Google AdSense has disabled my account for "Invalid Activity". While they are (understandably) unwilling to reveal what that means, exactly, I'm pretty sure it involves some of my more supportive fans clicking repeatedly on ads.
Please don't do that.
While I encourage you to visit the (oh-so-generous) sponsors on my blog, simply clicking at random because you love me, understandable as it may be, does no one any good.
I'll let you know as soon as I do whether AdSense renews my account. If they don't, I'll probably be forced to move to another site. I'll keep you apprised.
Thanks for your support, everyone.
As some of you may know, I have been using Google AdSense on my blog. Many of you have been very supportive in your willingness to visit the sponsors AdSense has presented to you on my blog.
Some of you, unfortunately, have been a little too supportive.
Google AdSense has disabled my account for "Invalid Activity". While they are (understandably) unwilling to reveal what that means, exactly, I'm pretty sure it involves some of my more supportive fans clicking repeatedly on ads.
Please don't do that.
While I encourage you to visit the (oh-so-generous) sponsors on my blog, simply clicking at random because you love me, understandable as it may be, does no one any good.
I'll let you know as soon as I do whether AdSense renews my account. If they don't, I'll probably be forced to move to another site. I'll keep you apprised.
Thanks for your support, everyone.
-- The Prolix Wag
Commerce is a harsh mistress.
Commerce is a harsh mistress.
If the Unexamined Life Isn't Worth Living, Why Are So Many People Living It?
As I noted in "Stupid Liberals, Evil Conservatives", political belief is often received knowledge, a culture built around a shared set of beliefs, with more emphasis on the shared part than the beliefs part. Maintaining political orthodoxy has become so integral a part of political identity in this country (thanks, two-party system!), we're surprised when someone breaks ranks. We're downright shocked if they're doing it because of what they actually believe instead of for the sake of political expediency.
Enter Ted Olson.
Go read the article. If you don't have a free account with the NYT already, shame on you and go get one. I'll wait.
A couple quotes of note from the article before we dive in:
"...during the Reagan administration, when Mr. Olson was asked if the Justice Department could dismiss a prosecutor for being gay, he wrote that it was “improper to deny employment or to terminate anyone on the basis of sexual conduct. In 1984, Mr. Olson returned to private practice and was succeeded by Mr. Cooper, his adversary in the marriage case. The switch eliminated 'what was seen as a certain libertarian squishiness at the Office of Legal Counsel under Ted,' Mr. Calabresi said."
Libertarian squishiness. Libertarian squishiness. That's right. If you have an internally consistent set of political beliefs and you stand by them in the face of political pressure, you're squishy, because you agree with the opposition. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why orthodoxy is not a thinking man's art.
"Mr. Cooper asserts that Mr. Olson is stretching the scope of the Lawrence decision, pointing out that it dealt with the criminalization of private sexual behavior, not a state’s duty to recognize a marriage. But Mr. Olson notes that no less a conservative than Justice Antonin Scalia argued in a blistering dissent that the majority in Lawrence had indeed opened the door to same-sex marriage. "
This is why I fucking love lawyers. Also, I have a newfound affection for Scalia.
"Furthermore, the Court's ruling in Ambler v. Whipple all but guarantees that I shall be forced by stare decisis to lower the disco ball and perform my famed Gloria Gaynor impersonation at the beginning of each session. I find this deeply distressing."
"Since then, he and Mr. Cooper have been filing dueling briefs. "
*snort* He said "dueling briefs". Gaaaaaaaaay...
It could also mean "undergarments to be worn during a duel". This is just how my mind works.
I don't know about you, but I find this article incredibly inspiring.
It's not so much that Mr. Olson has "seen the light" on gay marriage that I find cause to celebrate. It's the fact that he didn't need to "see the light" at all. Here's someone who is intelligent enough to understand the underpinnings of his own political beliefs, and has enough intellectual integrity to follow them through to their logical conclusion, AND isn't a whackadoo about it. What I think about his take on gay marriage is pretty much irrelevant; I respect this man for the depth of his thinking and the integrity of the way he lives.
I find the line between having a consistent ideology and being an ideologue fascinating, mostly because so few people ever tread it successfully. Usually, political beliefs are determined by your party, which is a mish-mashed coalition of sometimes mutually exclusive interests that a lot of people don't want to examine too closely. To take just two examples:
The Right
Government should stay out of our lives
UNLESS
It involves people having sex in a way I think is icky.
The Left
Government should stay out of our lives
UNLESS
It involves guns.
There are exceptions to this kind of schizophrenic political thinking, but they tend to be of the proves-the-rule variety.
*cough*
How many of us would be willing to follow our political and personal philosophies to conclusions we didn't like?
I don't have this problem, what with the being always right and all, but sometimes I wonder how the little people live.
Enter Ted Olson.
Go read the article. If you don't have a free account with the NYT already, shame on you and go get one. I'll wait.
A couple quotes of note from the article before we dive in:
"...during the Reagan administration, when Mr. Olson was asked if the Justice Department could dismiss a prosecutor for being gay, he wrote that it was “improper to deny employment or to terminate anyone on the basis of sexual conduct. In 1984, Mr. Olson returned to private practice and was succeeded by Mr. Cooper, his adversary in the marriage case. The switch eliminated 'what was seen as a certain libertarian squishiness at the Office of Legal Counsel under Ted,' Mr. Calabresi said."
Libertarian squishiness. Libertarian squishiness. That's right. If you have an internally consistent set of political beliefs and you stand by them in the face of political pressure, you're squishy, because you agree with the opposition. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why orthodoxy is not a thinking man's art.
"Mr. Cooper asserts that Mr. Olson is stretching the scope of the Lawrence decision, pointing out that it dealt with the criminalization of private sexual behavior, not a state’s duty to recognize a marriage. But Mr. Olson notes that no less a conservative than Justice Antonin Scalia argued in a blistering dissent that the majority in Lawrence had indeed opened the door to same-sex marriage. "
This is why I fucking love lawyers. Also, I have a newfound affection for Scalia.
"Furthermore, the Court's ruling in Ambler v. Whipple all but guarantees that I shall be forced by stare decisis to lower the disco ball and perform my famed Gloria Gaynor impersonation at the beginning of each session. I find this deeply distressing.""Since then, he and Mr. Cooper have been filing dueling briefs. "
*snort* He said "dueling briefs". Gaaaaaaaaay...
It could also mean "undergarments to be worn during a duel". This is just how my mind works.I don't know about you, but I find this article incredibly inspiring.
It's not so much that Mr. Olson has "seen the light" on gay marriage that I find cause to celebrate. It's the fact that he didn't need to "see the light" at all. Here's someone who is intelligent enough to understand the underpinnings of his own political beliefs, and has enough intellectual integrity to follow them through to their logical conclusion, AND isn't a whackadoo about it. What I think about his take on gay marriage is pretty much irrelevant; I respect this man for the depth of his thinking and the integrity of the way he lives.
I find the line between having a consistent ideology and being an ideologue fascinating, mostly because so few people ever tread it successfully. Usually, political beliefs are determined by your party, which is a mish-mashed coalition of sometimes mutually exclusive interests that a lot of people don't want to examine too closely. To take just two examples:
The Right
Government should stay out of our lives
UNLESS
It involves people having sex in a way I think is icky.
The Left
Government should stay out of our lives
UNLESS
It involves guns.
There are exceptions to this kind of schizophrenic political thinking, but they tend to be of the proves-the-rule variety.
*cough*How many of us would be willing to follow our political and personal philosophies to conclusions we didn't like?
I don't have this problem, what with the being always right and all, but sometimes I wonder how the little people live.
-- The Prolix Wag
Why does everyone assume that just because I'm elite, that makes me an elitist?
Why does everyone assume that just because I'm elite, that makes me an elitist?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
D&D Will Eat Your Children
Sweet Jesus, here we go again.
And in Cedar City, no less. The city where I spent three lovely summers Shakespearifying and Dungeon Mastering. Hell, the year after that I was flown in for the express purpose of running a D&D game. And making out with my girlfriend at the time. Who I suspect was in it mainly for the D&D anyway.
We'll start with Penny Arcade's take, because it's brilliant:
It got me thinking about D&D's storied history of causing insanity in people who never actually play it. Although the game-blame isn't nearly as blatant and hysterical as its been in the past, there's something in the reporting that makes one's head twitch to the left in quizzical annoyance:"Testimony Monday suggested a motive for the attacks may have grown from the trio playing the fantasy role-playing game "Dungeons and Dragons" and jealousy over a girl who King and Bryson knew."
It just doesn't scan right if you substitute "the live-action sports game 'football'". One could have a disagreement/motive for manslaughter that started over a game of football, started at a game of football, maybe even was a direct result of events that took place during a game of football, but "the motive for the attacks may have grown from the trio playing football"? Not so much.
Setting aside the fact that they chose gaming as the lead over the girl -- and as any fool knows, the hoohah is much stronger than the dice -- there's a nasty little insinuation there about the origin of the hammer-beating motive.
Combining the power of the hoohah with the power of the dice, of course, is the most powerful force in the universe.Because to imply that a game like football might have directly caused someone to beat someone else with a hammer by its very existence and intrinsic nature would be ridiculous, right?
But you can do that with D&D. Still. I honestly thought we were past this. Well, I thought we should be past it. I guess there's a reason I felt it necessary to address the stupidity of the James Dallas Egbert Steam Tunnel Incident in my play Of Dice and Men. In my heart of hearts, I knew there was more educating to do. People still want scapegoats. And my chosen hobby is just weird enough to be a perennial favorite.
All while this bastard still walks the streets, free as a bird.Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Paging Dr. Mario
There's a fascinating piece in the Washington Post today about the possible therapeutic uses for video and computer games.
As I have alluded to previously, this doesn't really come as much of a surprise to me.
Looking back, I've been using computer games (and, to a lesser extent, arcade games and consoles) to manage my mood going back at least as far as college, and probably longer. When my high school sweetheart broke my tender young heart Freshman year, I sought some solace by sobbing dramatically in front of friends and classmates, but also by spending some time in the arcade at the Student Union. Far more serious chunks of time than I might spend otherwise... and given how hard I used to hit the Tekken machine, that's saying something.
Just as with any other artistic medium, gaming can lead you to a host of different emotional states, but there are some that are more common and consistent:
There's the heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping Jesus-Christ-shoot-all-the-zombies kind of excitement.
There's creeping, Jesus-Christ-I-just-know-there's-a-zombie-behind-that-door-and-I-only-have-three-bullets-left dread.
There's the sudden shock of abject JESUSCHRISTITSAZOMBIEBLAMBLAMBLAM terror.
There's the pleasant panic of the Jesus-Christ-how-can-I-make-a-stack-of-blue-zombies-when-all-it-gives-me-are-red-ones variety.
There's the addictive sweetness of Jesus-Christ-my-zombie-just-leveled!
Occasionally, there's even the jaw-dropping emotional pang of the Jesus-Christ-my-SISTER-is-the-zombie?-type plot twist.
This extended metaphor has been brought to you by Zombie Kitty, and the fact that video games have a crapload of zombies in them.
As I have alluded to previously, this doesn't really come as much of a surprise to me.
Looking back, I've been using computer games (and, to a lesser extent, arcade games and consoles) to manage my mood going back at least as far as college, and probably longer. When my high school sweetheart broke my tender young heart Freshman year, I sought some solace by sobbing dramatically in front of friends and classmates, but also by spending some time in the arcade at the Student Union. Far more serious chunks of time than I might spend otherwise... and given how hard I used to hit the Tekken machine, that's saying something.
Just as with any other artistic medium, gaming can lead you to a host of different emotional states, but there are some that are more common and consistent:
There's the heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping Jesus-Christ-shoot-all-the-zombies kind of excitement.
There's creeping, Jesus-Christ-I-just-know-there's-a-zombie-behind-that-door-and-I-only-have-three-bullets-left dread.
There's the sudden shock of abject JESUSCHRISTITSAZOMBIEBLAMBLAMBLAM terror.
There's the pleasant panic of the Jesus-Christ-how-can-I-make-a-stack-of-blue-zombies-when-all-it-gives-me-are-red-ones variety.
There's the addictive sweetness of Jesus-Christ-my-zombie-just-leveled!
Occasionally, there's even the jaw-dropping emotional pang of the Jesus-Christ-my-SISTER-is-the-zombie?-type plot twist.
This extended metaphor has been brought to you by Zombie Kitty, and the fact that video games have a crapload of zombies in them.There's also the Zen-like no-thought state the Washington Post article above refers to; where you're balanced right on the edge of being challenged just enough but not too much, so that your mind is occupied but you don't have to think. It's a pleasant absence of thought and feeling that you can access most easily with varied-repetitive-action games like Tetris or Bejeweled, but that you can get from almost any genre if the game is good and you're good enough at it. Your mind and self slip away... it's actually quite a bit like a meditative state.
Which makes it a highly desirable way to be if you don't want to think or feel. Which, if you're depressed, you often don't.
This is not to say that it addresses any of the underlying causes of an imbalanced mood, but it gives you time, which is all you need if you're furious and need to calm down, or need to get over that high school sweetheart without crying in public so much, or are thinking about killing yourself and your doc won't pick up the phone until the morning.
People have used emotionally-numbing pharmaceuticals and activities like this for centuries, the most obvious example probably being booze. Video games have the benefit of not destroying your liver, and not being physically addictive.
Although, as my parents can attest, psychological addiction is another matter entirely.
This is not to say that the way I've used games has always been healthy - far from it - and I certainly have taken some long-term physical damage in terms of my carpal tunnel issues. But compared to booze or coke or even sex, gaming looks pretty good as a way to self-medicate. Which we all need from time to time.
I'll be interested to see what the medical community does with it, especially as our understanding of the way the brain works gets deeper and more specific. Who knows? Maybe someday, someone will hand you a prescription that says Take 2 Hours of Dawn of War 5 and Call Me In the Morning.
And what a sweet day that'll be. Talk about not needing a spoonful of sugar...
AAAAAAH!!!
Which makes it a highly desirable way to be if you don't want to think or feel. Which, if you're depressed, you often don't.
This is not to say that it addresses any of the underlying causes of an imbalanced mood, but it gives you time, which is all you need if you're furious and need to calm down, or need to get over that high school sweetheart without crying in public so much, or are thinking about killing yourself and your doc won't pick up the phone until the morning.
People have used emotionally-numbing pharmaceuticals and activities like this for centuries, the most obvious example probably being booze. Video games have the benefit of not destroying your liver, and not being physically addictive.
Although, as my parents can attest, psychological addiction is another matter entirely.This is not to say that the way I've used games has always been healthy - far from it - and I certainly have taken some long-term physical damage in terms of my carpal tunnel issues. But compared to booze or coke or even sex, gaming looks pretty good as a way to self-medicate. Which we all need from time to time.
I'll be interested to see what the medical community does with it, especially as our understanding of the way the brain works gets deeper and more specific. Who knows? Maybe someday, someone will hand you a prescription that says Take 2 Hours of Dawn of War 5 and Call Me In the Morning.
And what a sweet day that'll be. Talk about not needing a spoonful of sugar...
-- The Prolix Wag
Jesus-Christ-IS-a-Zombie!!!
Jesus-Christ-IS-a-Zombie!!!
AAAAAAH!!!Monday, August 17, 2009
Phrases That Need to Be Retired: "All Natural"
Today The Wag tackles one of the dumbest phrases of all time, "All Natural".
Hippies and Takoma Park residents with fragile constitutions may want to avert their eyes.
Actually, on second thought, stick around. You probably need this more than anyone. Your fragile constitutions are no doubt due to a lack of preservatives in your diet.
The phrase "All Natural" is meaningless on two levels, one philosophical, and the other practical. Let's start with the philosophical one:
There's no such thing as "natural".
Or, rather, there's no such thing as "not natural", which makes it a meaningless distinction.
Webster's relevant definition of "nature" is: "the external world in its entirety", which is to say, "everything but you". The only things that are not in "nature" and are therefore "natural" are:
a) You.
b) Stuff that doesn't exist.
We call anything in the "b" category "supernatural", which is another way of saying "pretend".
Therefore, to say that something is "all-natural" is to say that it exists entirely. Since I've never seen anything that only existed a little bit, that's a really dumb thing to say.
But let's say we take the more common usage of the word, that is to say "that which was not made by a human being from component parts", or "that which is not synthetic".
There's a problem with this, of course, in that synthesizing things is what humans do. Naturally. Plenty of other animals do it to, of course. Chimps fashion tools to get at termites and to brain each other with. Elephants do crazy-cool things with bark. Bower birds... make bowers.
Rare picture of the rapacious Bower Bird making nature his bitch.
We are, of course, better at it, by an order of magnitude or six. So we can make a distinction there, but it's really more quantitative than qualitative. We change our environment - and ourselves - because doing so has been very good to us in evolutionary terms. Put a human in any natural environment, and he'll start making tools and building stuff. Naturally. So in that sense, anything that human beings make is natural. Which leaves us with a meaningless distinction again.
But let's set philosophy aside, and go with the commonly accepted notion of what "natural" means, because what the heck, I'm feeling generous. We're still left with a practical issue, which is that the connotative definition of "natural" is jut flat-out wrong. This is because we usually equate "natural" with "good".
Which it most decidedly is not.
A couple brief lists:
Stuff That Is Natural
Hurricanes
Typhoid
Mental Illness
Pooping in the Woods
Deadly Nightshade
Big Things With Claws That Eat You, Like Bears
Dying In Childbirth
Dying From A Minor, But Infected, Laceration
Dying a Lot More Than We Generally Do Today
Being Very, Very Bored
Stuff That Is Not Natural
Houses
Vaccines
Wellbutrin
Indoor Plumbing
Not Eating Poisonous Flowers
Not Having To Live In The Woods With Big Things With Claws That Eat You, Like Bears
Cesarian Sections. Also, Pain Meds
Neosporin
Retirement Homes
Mad Men
Look, I understand the value of respecting and learning from complex natural systems, but there's nothing more inherently moral about that which is "natural". Sure, we screw up the synthetic all the time, but I'll take it over rampant dysentery any day of the week.
Of course, despite all this, people slap the "all-natural" label on just about anything. Because people keep buying it.
Don't believe me? Do a Google search for "all natural salt". Then marvel at the fact that you come up with ANY GODDAMN RESULTS AT ALL, never mind the twelve million or so I got.
Here's what all-natural salt looks like:
Now here's evil, corporate-controlled, genetically modified salt looks like:
Here's pure salt:
And here's plain old salt:
Notice anything? Oh, yeah: they're all exactly the same. BECAUSE IT'S ALL SALT. It's sodium chloride, maybe with a little dirt thrown in. You cannot improve on it. There is no way in which you can make salt fundamentally saltier. SALT DOES NOT CARE IF IT WAS GROWN ORGANICALLY.
Okay, you can make it Kosher by leaving the iodide out. But then you've still got the sodium ferrocyanide. And if you take THAT out, you're missing out on valuable, all-natural iodide and sodium ferrocyanide.
Now Google "all natural water" and take a gander at the hundred and twenty-six million results you get.
Don't worry. I'll still be here when you get done banging your head against the keyboard.
Hippies and Takoma Park residents with fragile constitutions may want to avert their eyes.
Actually, on second thought, stick around. You probably need this more than anyone. Your fragile constitutions are no doubt due to a lack of preservatives in your diet.
The phrase "All Natural" is meaningless on two levels, one philosophical, and the other practical. Let's start with the philosophical one:
There's no such thing as "natural".
Or, rather, there's no such thing as "not natural", which makes it a meaningless distinction.
Webster's relevant definition of "nature" is: "the external world in its entirety", which is to say, "everything but you". The only things that are not in "nature" and are therefore "natural" are:
a) You.
b) Stuff that doesn't exist.
We call anything in the "b" category "supernatural", which is another way of saying "pretend".
Therefore, to say that something is "all-natural" is to say that it exists entirely. Since I've never seen anything that only existed a little bit, that's a really dumb thing to say.
But let's say we take the more common usage of the word, that is to say "that which was not made by a human being from component parts", or "that which is not synthetic".
There's a problem with this, of course, in that synthesizing things is what humans do. Naturally. Plenty of other animals do it to, of course. Chimps fashion tools to get at termites and to brain each other with. Elephants do crazy-cool things with bark. Bower birds... make bowers.
Rare picture of the rapacious Bower Bird making nature his bitch.We are, of course, better at it, by an order of magnitude or six. So we can make a distinction there, but it's really more quantitative than qualitative. We change our environment - and ourselves - because doing so has been very good to us in evolutionary terms. Put a human in any natural environment, and he'll start making tools and building stuff. Naturally. So in that sense, anything that human beings make is natural. Which leaves us with a meaningless distinction again.
But let's set philosophy aside, and go with the commonly accepted notion of what "natural" means, because what the heck, I'm feeling generous. We're still left with a practical issue, which is that the connotative definition of "natural" is jut flat-out wrong. This is because we usually equate "natural" with "good".
Which it most decidedly is not.
A couple brief lists:
Stuff That Is Natural
Hurricanes
Typhoid
Mental Illness
Pooping in the Woods
Deadly Nightshade
Big Things With Claws That Eat You, Like Bears
Dying In Childbirth
Dying From A Minor, But Infected, Laceration
Dying a Lot More Than We Generally Do Today
Being Very, Very Bored
Stuff That Is Not Natural
Houses
Vaccines
Wellbutrin
Indoor Plumbing
Not Eating Poisonous Flowers
Not Having To Live In The Woods With Big Things With Claws That Eat You, Like Bears
Cesarian Sections. Also, Pain Meds
Neosporin
Retirement Homes
Mad Men
Look, I understand the value of respecting and learning from complex natural systems, but there's nothing more inherently moral about that which is "natural". Sure, we screw up the synthetic all the time, but I'll take it over rampant dysentery any day of the week.
Of course, despite all this, people slap the "all-natural" label on just about anything. Because people keep buying it.
Don't believe me? Do a Google search for "all natural salt". Then marvel at the fact that you come up with ANY GODDAMN RESULTS AT ALL, never mind the twelve million or so I got.
Here's what all-natural salt looks like:
Now here's evil, corporate-controlled, genetically modified salt looks like:
Here's pure salt:
And here's plain old salt:
Notice anything? Oh, yeah: they're all exactly the same. BECAUSE IT'S ALL SALT. It's sodium chloride, maybe with a little dirt thrown in. You cannot improve on it. There is no way in which you can make salt fundamentally saltier. SALT DOES NOT CARE IF IT WAS GROWN ORGANICALLY.
Okay, you can make it Kosher by leaving the iodide out. But then you've still got the sodium ferrocyanide. And if you take THAT out, you're missing out on valuable, all-natural iodide and sodium ferrocyanide.
Now Google "all natural water" and take a gander at the hundred and twenty-six million results you get.
Don't worry. I'll still be here when you get done banging your head against the keyboard.
-- The Prolix Wag
If anyone manages to find an All-Supernatural breakfast cereal, I'm there with bells on.
If anyone manages to find an All-Supernatural breakfast cereal, I'm there with bells on.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Linky Linky Sunday: Dungeon Majesty Edition
Video You Must Watch
Remember my whole Ultimate Bachelor Party Fantasy? Yeah. Well, somebody did it. On public access:
Girls In Bikinis Reading Lines From Star Wars. The Internet: Making your fondest, strangest dreams come true since 1991.
Four words: Julianne Moore as Scarlett. That is all.
Thanks to Topless Robot for those three.
And now, Phil Hartman's original SNL audition tape:
How to Epic Fail a kid's gameshow:
And a cute hedgehog, eating:
Links You Must Click
I humbly present to you the greatest FAQ since Topless Robot's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen FAQ: Topless Robot's GI Joe: Rise of Cobra FAQ.
Barack Obama, naked, with a magic unicorn.
"It is anticipated that his internship will be ending."
Remember my whole Ultimate Bachelor Party Fantasy? Yeah. Well, somebody did it. On public access:
Girls In Bikinis Reading Lines From Star Wars. The Internet: Making your fondest, strangest dreams come true since 1991.
Four words: Julianne Moore as Scarlett. That is all.
Thanks to Topless Robot for those three.
And now, Phil Hartman's original SNL audition tape:
How to Epic Fail a kid's gameshow:
And a cute hedgehog, eating:
Links You Must Click
I humbly present to you the greatest FAQ since Topless Robot's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen FAQ: Topless Robot's GI Joe: Rise of Cobra FAQ.
Barack Obama, naked, with a magic unicorn.
"It is anticipated that his internship will be ending."
-- The Prolix Wag
I would've totally done the Dungeon Majesty thing first... I just can't pull off a cloak like that.
I would've totally done the Dungeon Majesty thing first... I just can't pull off a cloak like that.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Saturday Gallery: Stuff I Stole From Geek Orthodox
This week's Saturday Gallery is composed entirely of images shamelessly pilfered from the awesome blog Geek Orthodox, which in turn I found through Topless Robot. If you're a geek, or just love one, you owe it to yourself to check out both.
Enjoy.
-- The Prolix Wag
Because that last one was funny enough to get past my "no geek self-loathing" rule.
Enjoy.
-- The Prolix Wag
Because that last one was funny enough to get past my "no geek self-loathing" rule.
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