Phrases That Need to Be Retired: "I Have a First Amendment Right..."

I would like to hereby request that no one ever say the phrase "I have a First Amendment right to [do/say X]" again.

Why? Because the only time anyone ever says that, it's not what they mean. Hell, it only gets said in situations where it's completely irrelevant.

How I know this? Because, in situations where someone's First Amendment rights are actually at stake, one of the following things gets said instead:

1) "As the Court noted in Brandenburg v. Ohio, 'the constitutional guarantees of free speech and free press do not permit a State to forbid or proscribe advocacy of the use of force or of law violation except where such advocacy is directed to inciting or producing imminent lawless action and is likely to incite or produce such action.'"

2) "Come back with a warrant."

3) "Don't taze me, bro."

Or, as your parents used to say: "Not in the face, officer! That's how I make my living!"

No, people only say "I have a First Amendment right to [do/say X]" when the issue is not a governmental abridgement of their right to Free Speech, but rather, someone else calling them on the fact that they're being assholes.

It usually goes something like this:

Person A: "Your mother's a whore."
Person B: "Hey!"
Person A: "I have a First Amendment right to say what I want."
Person B: "Well, yeah, but..."
Person A: "And your mother's a whore."
Person B: "Cut it out!"
Person A: "First Amendment!"
Person B: "..."
Person A: "Whooooooooooore."

What that looks like to a casual observer is a vigorous, full-throated defense of the kind of free debate that makes us Americans. What it is, is a rhetorical bait-and-switch.

See, the debate is almost never about whether someone should be allowed to say something (although when it is, people often severely overestimate that right -- more on that in a sec)... it's about whether or not it's a dumb thing to say.

(Note well the Religious Corollary: I am not a bigot because I say your religion is stupid. That's called a theological debate. I'm a bigot if I say that means I should treat all people of your faith as anything other than fellow human beings. Who believe stupid things.)

Say one word, and I will have the ACLU on your ass so fast you won't remember what it feels like NOT being sued.

Usually, people invoke the First Amendment not because their rights are being infringed, but because they're unwilling to take responsibility for the way they've chosen to exercise that right.

With that in mind, let's try the above conversation again:

Person A: "Your mother's a whore."
Person B: "And you're an asshole."
Person A: "Hey, I have a First Amendment Right --"
Person B: "To be an asshole. Yes. Which you're exercising. And I have a First Amendment right to call you on it. Asshole."
Person A: "Quit calling me that."
Person B: "First Amendment!"
Person A: "..."
Person B: "Ashoooooooooooooole."

Of course, if your mother actually is a whore, you're on your own. If the spanking was purely recreational in nature, carry on.

As I mentioned earlier, even when issues of government abridgement of the right to Free Speech are invoked, the people invoking it are way off base. The concept of civil disobedience is often misunderstood, for example.

Civil disobedience doesn't mean you have a right to block traffic, or even protest in a park where you don't have a permit. What it means is that you get arrested for those things on purpose, go to jail, pay your fine, and own it. You use the publicity of the arrest itself to further your cause. You don't whine about it; you don't act all surprised and put upon when the officer actually puts the cuffs on. You go to jail with your head held high, to prove your point. Suck it up.

Similarly, your right to swing your fist always ends where my face begins. If you, say, go to a Town Hall meeting with the intention of shouting down people that disagree with you, guess what? In most jurisdictions, you will get thrown out on the street for attempting to materially interfere with someone else being heard.

And then you'll go on FOX News and cry about how your rights were violated. Because that's how you roll.

Oh, and just because you have a sign and a cause and you really feel it doesn't mean you get to ignore the fire code. Sorry.

-- The Prolix Wag
Wondering what it would be like to have people NOT want to hear what he has to say.